Happy Turkey Week

Well I have to say I talked to Dido and she is so level headed and was and is a stepdaughter and understood where the girls are coming from. She help me see this where the girls are coming from. She said Letera they are kids and give them time, they will be asking where's Letera at. She said they change. She said just give them time. We will see.
I slept most of the night, didnt get called in. I am up, started laundry. I will start to look at other stuff and try to leave for Phoenix around noon. JJ and I are both excited to see each other. He is probably working til 2 or 3.
I am getting excited about going to Cali for Thanksgiving. The smell of Turkey cooking, mash potatoes, gravy, pumpkin pie. All of which will be yummy. We are spending it with his brother Rich and Lisa and the kids. I am so excited to spend it with family. I am hoping next year I am with my family at Thanksgiving. My goal.
We are going to some small lake on Sat for the day to fish. I am excited about fishing. I love fishing. Its so calming. I am bringing my fishing bag I came across. He has alot of poles so may be I can use one of his. JJ said he gets bored easily with it. Just getting to hang out and enjoy our time is what is the most important to me. I am truely thankful for what I have and hope what ever life brings I can handle it well.
I hope all have a great Thanksgiving and dont pig out to much.

Work

I am working my one and only day of the week. I am also on call. It will be busy crazy. Lots of screaming kids, my favorite, not.
I didnt sleep very well due to all that is on my mind. JJ is being so reassuring about this whole thing and tells me all is good but I dont feel like that. I feel like when I leave Phoenix on Monday it will be awhile before I go back down there. Like I said I will never come between kids and their parents, not my mo for sure. I love them all and am willing to walk away so they can have that time together with out me. I think a break will be welcomed and whatever that may bring.
Well off to work!

New Revelation

Once this week is over my life will change once again. I feel JJ and I will take a break due to finding out that the girls want their dad to themselves. They feel like they were competing for his attention. JJ told me this and he didnt feel like that was happening but they felt it. I called the girls and appologized. Staci called me and we talked. She knew I would never hurt the girls intentionly. So when we get back I am stepping away for awhile. I want the girls to have every weekend if that is the case. I dont and will never come inbetween their dad and them. Never. So I think things are about to come to an end, maybe temporarily or maybe for good.
So there is my 1% of the 100% I talk about. There is no way to get around every thing that has happend. Too much. They want me to go to Cal and I want to also but when we get back then we will take a break from everything. It will be good for both of us. I know Christmas is coming up and that will be hard but I will get thru it.
Tis Life.
This has become very hard being long distance. I can see how a family falls apart during all this. I just have to think about me and what I need. Think about what I want in the year 2009.

Sunday

What do I have to say but as I always say, My favorite day of the week. There is something about it. For me doing whatever you need to get done or planned to do on Sat that Sunday is a day to still do stuff what ever that is to you but have a more relaxed attitude. Its Football and beer for sure or at lease start with a Bloody. Not to spicy. Being the wimp that I am.
Its funny both JJ and I were in bed at the same time. After I went to bed I texted him one last time to say good nite and I loved him. He texted me back Love u 2 Good nite Letera. It was just a nice good nite. During the game we were texting each other constantly. Speaking of, wtf, Okla just took over and kept it there. Tech had a hard time last nite. Very disappointing.
Today is My Dallas Cowboys against JJ and Dido's 49ers. There is a place not to far from here on Rt 66 called The mason jar that is advertising the football ticket. They are a bar and resturant. So if I can go have breakfast then my 1st bloody and my cowboys, What a perfect day. The only thing missing is my guy. He already called to say good morning. He is being very reassuring and comforting to me. I am so excited about going down on Wed. Private time for us and then Thursday Family time. Its all good. I am excited about fishing next weekend. I found some fishing stuff of mine yesterday. JJ and I also talked about going to the movies this weekend in Cal to see soul men. Not a kid movie. Lots to look forward to. Well off to go thru some coupons and just see what I really need. I only need to make sure I am taken care of thru Wed morning.
Well everyone enjoy your Sunday!!!

Accomplished

I feel so good. I cleaned out this one part of the garage and got rid of a back car load to Savers and stuff in the trash.
That felt good. I did talk to Paul and he will come on Monday and give me a guess a mate for the trim.
I had a great time going out tonight. Dido and I went to Brews and cues and had beers and dinner. Yummy. This guy who works with us at the hospital was working and he is cute to look at. Dido and I were cracking up laughing over our dirty thoughts.
lol.
I am about to go to bed. I am so bummed about Texas Tech. What happened? bummer. Oh well. Life will go on.
Tomorrow I am planning coffee and going somewhere where I can get a bloody and the Cowboy game! And then off to shop of dog food and a couple of things. I want to get my kitchen cleaned and clothes in bedroom put away. Goals for tomorrow!!!

My Weekend

To do with it as I please. I am off for 3 days. I am enjoying my 1st cup of coffee checking out my email and thinking about what my plans are for the day. JJ already called and said good morning prior to his safety meeting. So that was a nice way to wake up. I am going to meet up with Dido and work out to Gretchen's class. You walk out of her class just feeling so good. Go for coffee and something to eat at the coffee shop near my house. Its a cute little place.
Come home and start on my garage. I also need to call Paul about coming over to give me a quote on my trim. See when he can do it and how much. Need to cross that off my list. It will be so nice to have that done. Then call the plummer to come over when I get back from Cal to replace my faucets. Cross that off my list. I am also going to start bringing home boxes so I can start packing up what I am going to keep.
But for today call Paul and get working on the garage. When I go back into town, make a donation pile of stuff and go meet Dido for Texas Tech Football. We are trying to decide where to go. Somewhere different. Get some dinner and a few beers and cheer them on. I hope like hell they stay undefeated. That would be awesome.
So all in all it will be a great day. I am making it that way.
The week has been good. Went to a comfort/bedding/spa party at Elly's last nite.
There were defiately a few things I want. 1st a body pillow with pillow case. And this head massager that looks like a wisk with plastic tips. It was so nice. It really stimulated the head. I am buying that so that JJ and I can do it to each other. They also have a great neck or whatever wrap that you can put in the microwave or freezer. You can lay it across your shoulders or back or stomach. Its rectangular shape and it comes in lavender, eucalytus and one other smell. They also have a lumbar pillow to. But those are only a few things that I really want. Havent spent any money right now. Going to look at the pillow 1st and the head massager. Elly is having another party in Jan and so I will look at the wrap then.
Oh I went and saw the new James Bond movie. Lots of action. Very good.
Hope all are having a good weekend!

Slept in

OMG I slept in, kinda. JJ didnt realize I was off and called me about 5am but I finally fell back to sleep and the next thing I know its almost 7:30. I feel so much better as far as rested but I am so sore from working out yesterday. Thats awesome. Cant wait to go tomorrow. I am truely ready to get back on track.
Today like I said I am going to get a massage at 1. I am so ready for that. I need it. Then meet up with Dido and off to hopefully meet up with Elly and Patty for happy hour. We are going to busters. Its a resturant/bar. It has beers around the world. They have a thing you can join to try 100 beers. I know that dido and Barn joined. Dont know how many they are up to now. I am ready for fun with the girls.
You are going to believe this got an email already on that match.com from one guy in washington. He is middle eastern and I am not going there. Not interested at all. Got a wink from a cute 49 year old in South Carolina. Saw a few guys that are from northern az and they are actually cute but they want some one a few years younger and slender. So oh well.
This is actually fun to see whats out there. Crazy.
Today I decided I need to clean out my car, big time of trash and junk mail. Get caught up on bills today. That is on the top of my list.
I cant believe how this week is so different from last week. I truely feel happier and calm. Tomorrow nite is bunco, jive turkey, which is 70's so I need to find a tye dye tshirt to wear with jeans. Not hard. Should be so fun. I am also looking forward to 3 days off and not have to drive anywhere. Hopefully if all goes according to plan Dido and I have made plans. It all depends on Barn going out to set up camp for hunting sat nite. We are going to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch Texas Tech play. I am so excited for them. I want them to stay undefeated. Go all the way. They havent done this since 76. Thats along time, over 30 years. Its time.
Well off to have more coffee and get it in gear!

good day

Today was a good day. Work was busy but good. I actually went and worked out and it felt so good. I need to work out so I can tone up. I am happy I am maintaining what I lost but I hate being so flabby. Especially my abds.
I am off tomorrow and I am excited about that. I plan on sleeping in and working on my vehicle of cleaning it out. And some stuff around here.
I have a massage set up for 1pm w/ Rose at the hospital. I havent had one in awhile. Need it. I already have plans for the next several days to do some fun stuff. Take my mind off of being apart.
I made a decision today and I cant believe I did it but I went on match.com and decided to see what else is out there. Dont have to do anything but I am going to explore my options. I havent told a soul so now those of you who read my blog will know. I dont know what made me do it but I just need to see what options I have with out cheating. This is so hard because I love JJ so much but things are so hard being apart. Like I said time will tell where things go and so there you go.
Crazy huh?
Well off to bed. Tired. Biker dont tell anyone.

Back

I cant believe its monday nite and I am going to go to bed soon. Tired. The weekend went well. We had a nice time together. It was fun hanging with the girls. JJ and I went and picked out the pics for Sammy's gift. He picked out the picks of all of us together and pics of him and her and shekei. We then picked out the rest. He also picked out one that was of us from Cal so we could put it in a frame so he would have it at his apartment. We cooked the girls breakfast and a nice dinner and then took them to the drive-in in Scottsdale. That was so fun. We watched Role Model, hilarious, hilarious. And then the 2nd movie was Eagle Eye. Good movie but you know whats scary about that movie, it could happen. Scary Scary. Got home late and went to bed. Got up early and took them home. We didnt do our usual go to the sports bar and watch football. We got take out for breakfast and then laid in bed together and talked and caught up on much needed sex. We then took off and went to this big mall in Tempe. I broke down and bought me a playstation 2. I have wanted one for ever and it was only $69.00. I love it. I am to tired to mess with it today but this weekend I will for sure. Our time together was nice. We laughed and just enjoyed our time together. It was nice being in the moment.
He had to work last nite at midnight which sucked because we were in bed around 7.
I really enjoyed my time with him and him with me. Last week was absolutely the worse week for both of us. He was so attentive to me this weekend. He truely was so sorry about what happened Thursday and how he acted.
It was so hard getting up this am and leaving. It is harder and harder to leave and drive back up here. Time will tell but I know that I want to be with him. Lets hope by next year my house sells and if that is what is meant to be. I love him so much.
Well I hope everyone had a good weekend!

still hard

This week is continueing to be rough. Last nite was aweful. JJ came up here and we spent alittle time together and then was leaving him to hang out with his friend Timmy. We were all sitting there and JJ was becoming more upset and more stress as the night was going on. Being in Flagstaff is so difficult for him. He sees the mountain and he thinks of the woods and then he thinks of jr. So with in an hour to hour and 1/2 JJ is getting worse. We got into an argument and I left. He appologized and has appologized many times over for treating me badly. We have talked several times today and I am suppose to go to Phoenix tomorrow. I hope we can get pass this. I am thinking that when we get back from Cal at Thanksgiving I am going to tell him that we need a break. I will be working the next 2 weekends after that so that will give us a 3 week break. But I think that we need a break from each other and I want him to think about what he really wants. I dont know at times I feel like maybe he needs to be on his own with out being committed to me. So he can just do what he wants. And maybe that would be a good thing for me. I am going to see how the next couple of weeks go and if I feel that this is the case then I will tell him we need a break and time for each of us to think about what we really want and if being together is it or not. I already know what he will say is that I am being silly and that of course he wants to be with me. But you know sometimes when you are in the middle of such a horific thing that you dont know what you want and that maybe having breathing room to be on your own is a good thing. So time will tell.
I will be heart broken if we go our separate ways but you know what I am not a desperate person and have to be with someone. I defiately dont want someone who doesnt want to be with me. I know this all sounds crazy but I have to think about my future and where do I want it to be, with him or by myself to explore life more. Dont know but time will tell.

Today was easier

Today was easier but I am still sad. I found from V that a guy we should to hang out with Vincent died last week. He was only 43. He drank himself to death or at lease his liver. Then another friend of hers died this week. She had bad MS. I had met her years ago. My friend Ellie is putting her rotti down on Friday. She has cancer and is spreading. This has been a sucky week. Crazy how it all happens at once.
I did go teach 7 groups about the IV pumps we used and that went well. I was tired of repeating myself but it had it down by the 7th. Learned a few things from the other nurses who work the floors.
I got done and got some groceries and came home. Ate lunch and had a beer. I am thinking about a nap and then clean up all this mail sitting my table.
The highlight of my week will be leaving for Phoenix on Friday and getting to see my man and celebrate Sammy's birthday. I miss them big time. It will be fun hanging out with them. We are going to cook dinner at the apartment and go to the drive in near his house. And then Sunday after we drop them off will be our time. Woohoo. So all in all it will be a nice weekend. It will be good to pick them up Friday after I get there so we can sleep in on Sat. Not rush to be anywhere. Defiately want that.
The weather is warming up which is good. The last several days have been so cold.
Well off to take a nap and do some stuff around here.

Anniversary

Today is the anniversary of jr's passing. On my way to work today I dont know what was playing on the radio but I started balling and couldnt stop. I know I am tired and pms'ing and this put me over the edge. I got to work and couldnt stop crying. I felt so bad telling them I had to leave but I couldnt help anyone today. I couldnt deal with people today. I thought it would get easier with time not harder. I just cant believe its only been 4 months. Its still just so sad and aweful. I am going to lay down and try to get some rest. That didnt help that I slept like crap.
On a brighter note, I woke up to everything covered in a blanket of white. It is very beautiful. I am looking forward to being in phoenix next winter and not dealing with the cold so much.
Well off to get some rest and feel better later. This is just crazy.

PMS

Why do we have to go thru pms. I hate it. Mine hasnt been as bad lately but this week my cravings and being melancholy at times just sucks. My appetite has been so huge. My plans changed last nite. The girl from work backed out from going out with me, by that time it was getting close to the end of my shift and I was so exhausted. I decided that I needed to save money and just go get wings to go and I had beers at the house and I figured I would get the game on my tv because I have 50million channels with direct tv. No the one channel it was on I would have had to purchased. Not going to do that. I pay enough as it is for tv. So I was bummed over that and then I was bummed because I was missing JJ so badly. I started feeling sorry for myself and crying. I started thinking about jenny and her life now and how happy she is and how I want it to be my turn to have what I want. But it has to wait. Which sucks. I was in bed by 9. JJ was great at being there for me last nite on the phone which made it easier to fall asleep. But then I had such fucked up dreams. I dreamt I messed up my eye and had to have surgery and it was so wierd but so vivid. I still woke up exhausted this morning before 7 and just couldnt sleep anymore.
I have to go to work for 11am. I am hoping I get a call and they tell me there isnt much going on and I dont have to come in. I doubt it.
I am not calling JJ this morning and letting him sleep in. He is exhausted also and he said last nite his nerves were fried.
I did get up and enjoy my coffee and started watching last weeks episode of True Blood. I am half way thru and so I guess I will watch the rest. This week has been quite intense to say the lease.
Hope everyones weekend has been good.

Saturday

Here I sit at work, cluster 1st thing but much better now. The morning has already flown on by and now its lunch time. I am so tired from having such a great time after work yesterday. I didnt want to get up. Killed me when the alarm went off just because I didnt sleep well.
Go Red Raiders tonight against OSU. Looking forward to this afternoon/evening watching the game. I will probably be the only Texas Tech fan here but its alright!

Thursday Thursday

I woke up so tired, even after sleeping all nite. Robitusin helped that. I felt like I was achy and sore throat so I took robitusin cough, cold, and flu kind. But like I said I just woke up exhausted. Work went good today. Easy sneezy. Got a few patients ready and then went and did paperwork and crunch numbers. 2 hours of crunching numbers. Went to lunch, finished and was let off work an hour early. So was Dido. So we walked almost a mile and then just caught up.
I had enough energy, went to get a couple of things at the grocery store and came home and got busy. Not crazy but got a couple of things. Took out all of the trash and throwing away a pile of trash on the floor in my garage. That felt so good. Cleared out my dishwasher and sink and did a load of laundry. Nice. It felt so good to do that.
I also cooked chicken breast on the grill and made me a salad. Yummy.
I have decided that most days I need to put 15 mins into doing something. Try each day but if not most days. Tomorrow is out. Happy hour with Dido and then onto a jewelry party at one of the hairdressers from where I get my hair done. They are all very kool and fun so I am excited to get invited. Its only til 8:30 so I have time to get home and go to bed to get up for work on Sat at 7. 10 hour day, oh yea I am excited but need the money. So there you go.
Working the same on Sunday. I am hoping this girl who is coming in at 10 will switch w/ me. I want to go to Bufallo wild wings for a couple of beers and wings Sat nite so I can watch the Texas Tech game against Ok State. Its on ESPN so it will be good.
So there are my plans so far. Hope everyone will have a good weekend.

President Elect Barack Obama

What a historical time in our lives. A black president. Wow. Even though he is 1/2 black and white. I dont know if I am in shock but watching all those people in Chicago and New York and how happy they are just blew me away. Every one wants change and we need it badly. They have such hope in their eyes. We need a change and hope for our kiddo's. I was talking to my mom because she voted for him and she was saying she never thought in her life time she would see a black president. She wanted a woman president before that but she is excited about the election. I am glad Bush is gone. So in Jan it will be President Obama. wow.

Election Day!

I cant believe its election day. Amazing. I am so glad that all the advertising will be over. So tired of the commercials and phone calls big time.
I struggled over this election of who to vote for president. I stood there and kept looking at the ballot and just struggled. I really am hoping for major change because our country needs and needs to be shown as a better country. I am totally glad that Bushe's days are numbered because it is time for him to go.

I noticed its been awhile since I posted. Life has been so busy lately. Truely no time. But we made a trip out to Cal Friday after going to see the Horrorpops Thursday nite in Phoenix. It was fun but we were both so tired. Got home and sleeping by 12:30am and got up at 5:30am to head out. Not much sleep.
We got there around lunch time. Saw his parents, met his grandfather, got to see a little more of San Dimas. I have to say if I ever moved to Cal it would have to be that area, San Dimas, Glendora area. Its so quaint. I do love it. Some of the architecture goes back to the early 1900's. I could defiately live there. An hour or less to the beach. Oh yeah, plus all the mountains. Traffic, not so fun.
But anyway we spent time with his grandfather, met up with his s-i-l Lis and went to chili's. Had drinks. We had already eaten mexican food prior to that so we just went for the margaritas. Then went back to his brother's house and relaxed. His brother was still at work and so lis and the girls were there getting ready for halloween. The houuse was decorated. They did some church thing and then trick or treated in the neighborhood. They scored big time.
Sat JJ got up and saw his parents and then went on to meet w/ K's mom to go sprinkle K's ashes. Its been 3 years and so he was somewhat ready. It went smoother then he expected and easier. so I am glad for that. I on the other hand hung out w/ Lis and went out to eat, shopped, had a few beers, and went to the movies. I like her. We get along well. We saw Changeling w/ Angelina Jolie. Awesome movie. And actually they filmed part of it in San Dimas. I think the house she lived in with the porch, the police station and a couple of the main streets. Very cool to be there watching it and knowing that is where part of it took place. It was a true story. Very sad in some ways. I recommend it highly.
Anyways we went back to his brother's house and JJ got there shortly after. I got to watch The Texas Tech game and OMG it was awesome down to the last second. I am so happy that they won. Cant wait to watch a gain on Sat nite. Hopefully it will as good. His brother cooked hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill in the rain. Drank beers and just hung out.
Finally went to bed at 9 or 10pm. So tired. We park his van in the drive way and sleep in it. The bed is so comfortable. Windows open and its perfect. His other brother said why aren't you sleeping in the house. I said we have our own room. JJ loves his van. I do to. Perfect. Anyways we got up early and headed back to Phoenix and just relaxed. Used the Jacuzzi. Ordered chinese food and it was the worse. He doesnt hardly crave it and it was such a dissappointed. I told him I would treat him to good chinese food. Not crap.
He had an early wake up Monday and so I slept in, used the jacuzzi, and took a nice long shower and took my time. Got us scholtzsky's and dropped off his to him since he was till working. Love that place. Their original is still the best to me.
But anyways back to work today for the next 10 to 11 days. Yuck. I will at lease make good money. Need it.
Went for Counseling, still doing that. I am going to see her next month after Thanksgiving. She reminded me that my 6 free visits start over in Jan so I am going to take advantage of it just because of what might happen like the trial, etc. I think it will be a good thing to keep my sanity during it all and the hopefully selling my house.
I am telling you it was so hard to leave phoenix on Monday. It truely is getting harder and harder to leave. I can truely see myself living there. I know that 99% for sure it will be Phoenix and 1% change it will be the ocean. Like I said today nothing is guarenteed and anything could happen and I know that. So time will tell but I am sure hope its Phoenix.
Anway there you go, caught up! I hope everyone is well and went and voted!!!!