Relaxed

I am very relaxed. Met up w/ Dido and Elly for girl happy hour at Altitudes, the home of the train shots. It was good to visit w/ them. I am in a state of everything being surreal.
Crazy Crazy.
I did go get my donut this am. It was delisc! Dont want it for a long time now. I am looking better for sure. I did weigh in and have lost a total of 22lbs. Not bad. Not bad at all. Got to keep going.
I am probably going to bed soon. I am tired. Its Friday and I am so happy for that. One more day for sure! Work goes from being so so on when pts came out to being slammed. We were short a nurse due to one working all night on call. Yuck! Glad its not me right now.
Well off to get ready for bed. Hope all are well!

okay

Today is an okay day. I woke up exhausted. I am ready for my weekend. I am also off 2 days next week. A girl I work with wanted to work for me on Tuesday and I was already off on Wed so I am looking forward to those days off for sure. I could defiately use those days to work on yard, and order pavers to be delivered.
I already have a counseling appt Tuesday at 11am.
JJ and I are doing better. He has truely shown me that he is working on my trust for him and things are back on track w/ us. It will still take time. But w/ time all things will heal.
I am ready for something sweet today for breakfast. I weighted myself and lost another 5 or so lbs. Just got to keep going.
I decided sometime here soon I am going back to see my parents and friends in Texas. I need to see them. Probably fly in and fly out. I need that time w/ them all.

Its warm

Tonight is somewhat warm. I need to mow badly. I need to also buy some gas to run the riding lawn mower. My property would look so much better if it was mowed.
got thru work this afternoon doing paperwork stuff. After an hour to an hour 1/2 I had to put it away. I was getting crossed eyed. I then got to meet up w/ Dido and her husband and visit. He asked how JJ was doing. We talked about it for alittle bit and needed to go to the post office.
I went to mail off the last 2 necklaces with the ashes and a couple of death certificates. I took them out of the plastic bags and just look at each thing. I opened each jewelry case and one had the tear drop and the other for jr's brother hasd the dove. I looked at each and told jr I hope he gets there save and I closed them. I just cried for a few minutes. I took one last look at the death certificates and just cried. It was so hard but I put them in the envelope and address them and got in line and mailed them off. Met up w/ jj at one of the used car lots. they have some used suv's that are under $5,000. So he could get so much for his vehicle and put down some and then his payment would be low for like maybe 2 years. His back was killing him. Someone gave him a pain pill for his back. just 1 and he crashed.
He just called to let me know he sleeping and he is going back to sleep. He has a long day tomorrow. I hope he gets to talk to his boss about taking off for a week for cali to get away. He needs it badly.
They are having the araignment for the 3rd boy, the one who supposely shot jr, on MOnday and then right after is the court hearing for the lowering the bail and JJ gets to get on the stand and say why it shouldnt be lowered. He is ready to get up there. It will be good to let people see him and hear him and know how hard and aweful this is. These boys need to pay for what they did. It is so heartbreaking.
Well off to pay my tags online. Forgot with all this shit going on.
Hope all are well. Sorry I havent been around to read your blogs. I am looking for ward to catching up soon. Thanks for all your support.

Today good

Today is a good day. JJ and I had some good quality time together. We discussed him going for a week to california next week. He just wants to get away. To decide what he wants to do. I said if you still want to be be with me then what ever you do we will work around it. He said if, I do want to be with you, I just dont know what I am going to do. This will be good for him. Time will tell.
Well off to work!

Counseling

I am glad I went to day. I walked in there just so overwhelmed w/ sadness. It really took everything in me to get thru the day. We came to the agreement that we are going to just work on whats going on right now. Dealing w/ the marriage in the future. I am dealing w/ such a magnitude of stuff that is just absolutely so huge.
blows me away. But she did ask me what would be comforting to me. I said talking to my friends, blog, and hang out w/ JJ.
I am looking forward to seeing him in a few. I am packing a bag to spend the night. We are going to eat left over pasta and lay down. Have a few beers. Sounds perfect. No expectations of anything. Just what I need right now.

The same

I am so tired right now. I finally fell asleep around 10pm. I would go to fall asleep and see Jr. I called jj back and asked him how he is dealing. He says he listens to music to fall asleep. That is hard for me to do. After talking to him, I finally fell asleep and never moved I dont think.
I am going to counseling and jj and I are suppose to stay together tonight, Either his place or mine. Depends on when he gets done. Either way I will be glad to be w/ him. It will be comforting.
I have other stuff I need to do after work til that is the case. Stay busy or at lease try.

Just so tired

Today after work was just so hard. All these emotions over whats going on. The lady from victim witness was there w/ him to walk him thru all this. They sat behind so nobody would know who he was. But they had police men near him and in the front of the court house. He knew why they did that. He came face to face w/ 2 of the boys. The boy who pulled the trigger will have his arraingment next week when his lawyer is in town. It has officially began.
I have been so torned up. Just so friggin numb at times. Just absolutely sucks. It is just so sad. Aweful.
There is always tomorrow. To get thru it all.

Monday

I woke up in a wierd tired mood. I cant seem to shake this mood. I talk to JJ and he said I get one radio station and whats on it but the info about the araignment. Now he just heard that next Monday he has to go court, they are going to decide if one of the kids get out on bail. I just cant even believe that would be the case. Just incredible. They have already snitch on each other and tell what their part was in it, so how is that? Crazy.
Work is going by fast. A couple more hours and then I am out of here. I will either see JJ before but defiately after to be there to hear how everything went.
Thank god for counseling tomorrow. Will need it big time!

The paper

This weekend was a great weekend, lots of fun w/ the girls, nice alone time w/ each other. We went out to eat, shopped, stayed at the ramada on the girls side of town, which is where the cardnals stadium, swam, etc, etc.
JJ replaced my ipod. He was so thankful for what I did to help him get home, that he wanted to do that for me. So he did. He paid for everything this weekend. I only paid for some gas. So all in all it was a wonderful weekend. We were actually laughing w/ the girls, and goofing off w/ them. We got back, he went to get some beer for the store and boom in his face, front page news about the details about jr's murder. What they did to him, how they did it. It just broke my heart. I am so sad again. This truely is going to be such a hard road for us.
He read the paper after we got back to his place. He took a minute and then said I need to start cleaning. So that was my cue to leave so he could be alone. He called me later and told me he came across a letter from jr when he was in jail. I asked him if it said he loved you and he said yes. I said then you will have that for the rest of your life and you will always know that. Its just so heartbreaking.
I feel numb. Just in a wierd place. I woke up yesterday in such a sad mood. I was excited also to go w/ jj to see the girls and us having time together. But I was teary eyed at the same. I was pms'ing and so everything of course is intensified. JJ kept asking whats wrong, I could say I am very sad and what I just said. Its everything. Like I said this morning was good. We were back to our joking around and laughing. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

TGIF

Thank God its Friday. It will be somewhat busy and hopefully that means time will go by pretty fast.
For the 1st time I am hungry and just ate a egg sandwich. It was delisc.
I am doing good this morning. I feel like I am in a better place. Look forward to the weekend. Except when we have a talk w/ Shekei over some stuff. Oh well. No biggie. I hope.
I hope all have a good day!

I freaked out inside

Today like I said started out good. Then it went to absolutely freaking out inside type feelings. We had a pt who went to surgery and ended up having a loaded gun in his bag in the OR. With all this stuff w/ jr and the gunshot it gave me the most aweful feeling. I held it together until Lunch and was talking to a guy at work and just started crying. I was so freaked the rest of the day. JJ and I got to gether after work and did some running around and went out for a couple of beers and wings. We really talk deeply and it felt good. I know w/ what he did was so wrong and we all know that, but at the same time he is not like my ex. My ex was a player. JJ is not. His qualities are so awesome and he has a truely caring and giving heart unlike my ex. We went back to his place and just sat on the couch together listening to music and talked about stuff. We both felt in a good place when I left.
Then I call him when I get home and he gets a call from the girls mom and she tells him how shekei went w/ jr's mom and brother and got st_ _ _ _d that Thursday nite when we were getting ready to go to Cali. I am so fricken mad at jr's mom right now.
How could she do that. Just goes to show where jr got most of the fuck up part. His mother. Even the police could tell that in a short time being around her. JJ is so pissed right now. Plus found out that Shekei lost her virginity right before all this.
We are going down on Sat to be with the girls. They need to be w/ their mom and step dad for his birthday and then we could take them w/ us to the hotel. They invited us to go to the party. I really do like the girls mom. We could defiately be friends and are becoming that way which is nice.
As JJ and I both said this is going to be a very long road of bums. There are going to be such hard days ahead. I said to jj that I cant believe how this is effecting me and he said Letera you were there for him and have been in his life for 2 years. Thats huge. It truely is. My life is so changed due to this whole thing and my whole feelings are changed so much. I am trying to be a kinder person for sure. Be even more tolerate of people and situations.
At lunch sitting there crying and not wanting to, just trying to hold it together, and breathe thru all of this. It is just breaking my heart so badly. I just cant believe how one person's life could effect me like this. How all those ups and downs we went thru, how I wanted to just kick his fuckin ass. And then when he did such good things, they were good that he would touch me so deeply and make me cry by something he would write.
Damn teenagers!
I will never forget any of this for the rest of my life. Never. It has defiately been major lessons learned.
Well going to get ready for bed. Very tired.

Doing better

I am doing better today. My massage was wonderful. Got to cry alittle. But it felt good. Ended up at JJ's for the night and we had a good nite. He did well. We even laughed about some things. And he told me how he understands why I dont totally trust him and how he truely fucked up and he knows eventually it wont be this way.
I say eventually. But all in all it was a good nite. With time all things will heal.
Well back to work. Oh the araignment is on Monday. We shall see how that goes.

Back at work

Back at work. It was wierd getting out of the car in the parking lot. I just started tearing up. I am just here right now. Everybody is being awesome.
I will be glad when the day is over and I go get a massage today because I need it badly.
So hope all have a good day!

Good session

I went to my counseling session. I felt good walking out. We talked about how the last week has been. We talked about JJ and I and where we are w/ things right now. She asked me what I wanted it out of this from her. I told her I wanted to discuss alot that has happened to me over the years. I want to walk away healthy. I want to take this opportunity to discuss my marriage, some things from my childhood, maybe, my life. So when I do this I can walk away and not think about it again if that can be helped.
Told her about my card reading session. She thought that sounded good. She thinks I am being very clear w/ JJ about things in setting my limits, boundaries, what I expect. I told her I am going to handle life and decisions one day at a time. She liked that.
So all in all it was good. I did go buy JJ a massage and this place has great hours so he can in at his convenience. I picked up the necklaces today. They are absolutely so simple and beautiful at the same time. There were 5 silver tear drops and a dove. It is a very cool thing to do to remember someone. Very nice.
I also brought Jr back along w/ the death certificates and left there. He was so appreciative that I did all this for him. Its about taking care of Jr right now.
When I got to his appt today it smelled from trash and dishes. So I cleaned up his dishes and wiped off the counters and threw out the trash so he wouldnt have to worry about that right now.
He called me when he got home and he just felt like he was in a daze. He put 14 to 15 hours in today so he is tired. We thought about getting together tomorrow but he has to go to payson and that might mean he gets back late also. We will see about that tomorrow.
Anyway, came home and heated up left overs from dinner last nite. Yummy.
I am going to take an ambien when I go to bed just to knock me out for now. So this way I will feel rested when I get up in the morning.
I was listening to a cd that JJ bought me this weekend when we were in hot topic. Its from the horror pops. They are the band that we took the girls to see. Tall lead singer chick that plays the hugh base. I love the cd. There several songs that I really like the most. But there is one that you could really hear her play the base making that sound they make and the words are Hey babe how are you doing tonight. Are you doing all right. I just love it.
I dont know if I said anything I lost my ipod on one of the flights back. In all the absolutely awesome news that day, amazing made it back in one piece. It was my new one. JJ told me this weekend because I helped him out so much to get back and everything I did for him, he will buy me a new one and replace it. I told him I really appreciate that. I miss having my ipod. I love my satelite radio but its not the same as my ipod and my favorite music.
So at lease I can also listen to some of my cd's until then also.
Well off to make one phone call and off to bed. Time to go to work tomorrow and also get a massage!!!! Yea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good Day!

This has been a good day so far. Went and worked out and it felt so good to move. I actually was able to do most of the moves w/ my foot. That helped. You can tell I am losing weight. I will look forward to Thursday when I get to go back to a meeting and weigh in. I know I lost more. My clothes are fitting loose. Its amazing how stress can do that to you but this has been different.
Picked up Jr and went to the mortuary. The necklaces will be ready later so I will go and pick them up later either before or after my counseling session. Got the death certificates and am making copies for me and for JJ. It was wierd looking at the death certificate. It just gave me wierd feelings and sadness to read the cause and where. One day at a time.
Dido and I met back up at Flame broiler for lunch and then after we saw a new store of herbs and gifts type place. Everything was 50% off. While we were there, a lady was there who read tarot cards. They way they pronounced it I didnt know what they were talking about. But when I saw the cards I gave her 5 minutes. It was very positive. I asked if I would have peace in my heart and from the cards that came up it showed I would. It showed that I am in the process of heeling. I have already started healing. It showed the hermit which is a counselor who teaches everybody and effects everybody around you from your experience and wisdom. She said you are doing this weather I realized it or not, I am effecting people around me right now. Leaving something positive and something for people to think about. So it was good. It left me feeling good about all my decisions and things I am doing to heal right now and move on.
But anyway, Its raining right now. I am going to go vacumn to start with. My rug and floors are terrible because of the dog hair. I will feel better about that. Then on to my kitchen to clean it up. Have left overs for today. Grille Chicken from yesterday w/ veggies.
Dido and I talked about everything going on. I told her I am not making hasty quick acting decision. I am giving them alot of thought before I am going to do things. She was glad to hear me say that. She said your in charge and I said yes I am. In fact the lady who read my cards gave me these affirmations to say 3 times a day if I can, It is I am loved, I am powerful. I am a good person. and there was 1 more. I could say those w/ great confirmation for sure. Because I am these things. And it feels damn good to know.
It will feel good to talk to the counselor this afternoon. It will be very good to release some stuff and walk away lighter.
Update later.

1st morning

This is the 1st morning in over a week that I havent woke up crying. I felt so hungover. My brain just feels tired.
I got up finally and took a shower and made some coffee. I am going to go work out today for the 1st time in forever, it seems. I am hoping my foot cooperates.
I am also going with Dido for coffee, me probably a smoothie, after Jazz. It will be good to see her. I then need to go pick up jr and take him to the mortuary so they can put together the necklaces for the family. The death certificates are in so I am going to take one and make a copy to send to the airlines to get some of money back on the flight we took back early.
I did relax totally yesterday. Cooked on the grill and have left overs for dinner today.
I have counseling today at 3pm. That will be a good thing to go today. Discuss this last week and go from there.
JJ and I have talked numerous times yesterday. I hardly called him. He called me constantly just to see how I was and to let me know how things were going. Like I told him this is going to take a long time to work out. Time will tell what will happen with us in the future. He is making the effort. He knows what he did was wrong.
For us to work this out, he will have alot of work to do to prove himself that I can trust him again and he knows this.
In my heart I really hope he comes thru. I truely gave my heart to him and was hurt. As he shows me he is truely trying then I will begin to trust again. I did not invite him to move in with w/ me when his lease is up. He did not ask either. I am still planning on selling my house next year and depending on how we are will depend if I move to phoenix w/ him or not. Again time will tell. We will have to take this day by day.
Well off to work out and have some normalcy in my life. Hope all are having a good day.
Love and peace!

home

I am finally home. We got up at 2:30 this morning to drive back so we would get back at around 10. Did it. Long drive - 6 to 7 hours. I know for some its like driving to Dallas from where I lived before.
The weekend went well. The Mass on Sat was very beautiful and again alot of people, family and friends. I dont even know where to start.
We left early Friday morning. About the same time. Got there, dropped off jr's mom and her son. Went on to his mom and dad's house for a few. Went over to his brother's house and took Shekei to hang out w/ her cousins. We also went to a resturant called Legends. The most fatting food ever. I actually ate. This whole last week I couldnt eat as much, which a good thing for losing weight and clothes getting looser. Then went onto the oldest brothers house to go shop for the cookout after the service. We got there and his brother rides a harley and is a member of a motorcycle club. They raised a $1000.00 to help w/ expenses. We spent 1/2 on a hugh cookout. also gas, hotel room for us to stay all weekend. It was a hugh help.
Finally by that afternoon we were beat. Went and got a room and relaxed.
Used the jucuzzi and just had time to relax and be together. It was nice actually. We needed it badly. It was good to be there for each other. In every way.
Then we got up Sat to head to his mom and dad's before the service. Talk to them while they got ready. We then headed over to the church to be there early to greet people. I met K's mom and step dad. Very sweet people. She was glad that he had me there to help him. Anyway the service was good. We headed over to his older brother's house for the cookout after. I never know what you are suppose to call the meal after. Wierd to me. We were there for several hours. At one point I laid down to close my eyes. I just needed to rest. Got up, ate, and not to long after jj said I know we are having troubles but we will talk later about them.
I appreciated that.
A little time had past and JJ and his brothers are walking thru the house w/ a wierd look on their faces. His older brother comes in and tells me that JJ had snapped. He became angry. I was waiting for this to come out. But all of sudden he picked up the table and threw it over the fence, chairs and walked thru a fence as his brother said he was like the Kool aid dude coming thru the fence. I walked out there and he was sitting and I hugged him and he was crying. I told him its okay. Its part of the grieving process. I just let him cry for a few and then he said he needed to get out of there. So I took him back to the same hotel we stayed at. He laid down and fell asleep for a few. Later his other brother came over w/ his wife and we went and sat in the Jacuzzi. It was nice to relax. His brother is so fricken funny. He had us laughing. It was a good ending to the day.
We got up on Sunday and met up w/ Shekei and got Jr and the other stuff. We had to bring jr back so they could add some of his ashes to the necklaces that are ordered. Very nice thing that you could do w/ the ashes to keep for ever. They picked tear drops in silver and gold and a dove plus some finger prints.
Took Shekei to Bravo Burgers. JJ's favorite. Went to the mall to waste time waiting on the girls mom and her husband. Once they left to go back to phoenix JJ and I headed out to Newport beach. It was so awesome. I daydreamed about renting a place, work at the local hospital, and be near the beach for a short time. I say this everywhere I go. We only stayed maybe 30 minutes after driving an hour to get there and back but it wasnt about hanging out. It was about seeking comfort and giving myself some peace in my heart and my soul. We came back and after saying byes to the family we headed back to the hotel for rest. We then talked a little.
Today we drove home by ourselves and talked a little more. He talked about our future. He wants to take me to Laughlin for a mini vacation. Its close and cheaper then vegas. One or 2 nites. He said just like we did in Prescott. We had such a great time. I told him I think that sounds great. We need it badly.
We got back to his place and I hung out for a little while w/ him. He wanted to go lay down and I offered to lay there w/ him but he wanted time to himself. He hadnt done that since all this has happened. I totally understood. He ended up getting his running around done and now he is waiting to meet w/ the prosecuter at 2pm.
For the 1st time there was nothing on the front page of the paper since this all happened. It will be a nice break for how ever long it will be for.
Sorry this blog is so long. And its the minimal details.
It feels good to be home to just relax today. Tomorrow I am off work so far which is my actualy day off. I want to go work out doing Jazz. Work on my yard and help Dido paint a wall. I also have my counseling session to go to at 3pm. It will be a somewhat full day. What ever I get done I get done.
Hope all are doing well.

Beautiful Memorial Service

It was a very beautiful service today for Jr. The mortuary was full, standing in the lobby and outside listening on the speakers. 2/3 of it was kids. But it was amazing at how the community was there. Detectives, juvi personal, friends that we have made, neighbors and landlord, and more. There wasnt a dry eye in the room. Everyone cried and cried. Our community is mourning over a loss of this teenager. But it felt good to hear really good things about jr. I even got up there and spoke and told everyone how much I will miss and Love jr. There were beautiful flowers. And alot of love. I know it helped JJ to get thru such an aweful time. He appreciated it so much.
I just got done emptying out my car, packing a bag and getting stuff done on the computer. I will be heading over back to JJ's to spend the night but not really the night. We are going to pack the car when I get there so when we get up at 2am to leave for Cal then we can just go.
I think we are getting a hotel room part of the time so that him and I can have some alone time, down time. Its been a whirlwind this week and so once the service is done and it has settled down then we can finally have time together to just relax and talk. I am going to alow our conversation to go where it will. Nothing preplanned by any means. Right now we need each other to get thru this. And then we will be driving back on Monday together so we will have time alone to talk and just enjoy the drive home.
This next service will be so different. It will be a catholic mass and it will be alot of family and their friends out there. There will be a big cookout at his one brother's house after. So it will be as beautiful as well.
Well off to finish additional stuff and head back to JJ's. Hope all have a wonderful weekend.

Quick Note

Just a quick note. Today is the memorial service at the Mortuary. They couldnt do it at the school because of all of the witnesses and the case it self. I am getting off work by 9:30 to get over there. This will be hard but it will be good to hear good things about jr. RIP.

Got to see him

Got off work today and met up w/ everyone. It was JJ, jr's mom and brother, JJ's brother, sister in law and their kids and myself. It was very difficult. It just didnt seem real. Luckily their was one scratch on his face but where the gunfire went in you couldnt see it from where we stood. Thank God. We all cried. It was so hard seeing him like that. But I just wished him peace. JJ leaned over and kissed him.
His brother and his family drove back to Cal. They only drove in for the viewing and then headed back.
The 4 of us then headed over to Buffalo Wild wings to get some lunch and went over to Target to get cd's for me to copy pics of jr. But what we got isnt going to work, its for a dvd burner. So tomorrow JJ can take these back and exchange them for the right thing.
It became comfortable between JJ and myself. You can tell when he looks me in the eye how bad he feels over what he did. I didnt bring anything up and I am not going to til later. Then we will deal then.
Work was easy to walk into. Each person welcomed me and gave me a hug and we went on to working. I did talk to my 2 bosses about everything going on. No one else. So they know what JJ did and they were in such shock also. They just thought this is so out of character for him. But they are glad I am going to counseling and that I am not making any decisions yet. I am very loved at work and it really helps to have that support.
We will drive to meet the girls to pick them up in Phoenix. They want to go w/ us. So there will be 6 people in my xterra. Crazy. The memorial at the high school will be this Thursday. You know I want to hear good things about him. Been dealing w/ the bad things for so long that its hard to remember. I want to remember good things about him. We talked at lunch about him and remembered things about him. I look at these pics and remember the fun times we did have. I remember how talented a writer he was and how smart he was.
I did find out today that the families of these kids are not able to use their home as collateral, it has to be at lease 10% which is $100,000.00. Not going to happen.
They showed it in the paper today that they are going to arrest 3 more. This is getting bigger and bigger by the day. When you look at the pics of these kids they look so strung out. Not pot but worse stuff.
Outside of the mortuary jr's mom started to tell me some stuff that these kids told them last nite and I said I dont want to know this stuff. I appologized later to her for cutting her off but I told her I dont want to jepordized this case by knowing anything. These kids need to tell the police what they know, which they probably have. Unless it comes out in court or the paper, thats it. The less I know the better.
I am actually doing better then before. Having this time today w/ everyone else helped. It will help to go to counseling. Off to grab the dresses that I need to return. Not keeping them.

Face the music

Well today is face the music. Go back to work. I have already been crying over everything. I have to get it together. I am so sad over so much right now. I am so glad I am going to counseling tonight. I need this. JJ cant be there for me right now even though each time we talk he asks how I am doing. Life absolutely just sucks right now.
Today is the viewing of the body. Luckily nothing was done w/ the face during the shooting. JJ called me yesterday to let me know so if I wanted to go I could, but he also told me that I probably wont be able to go back to work. I called my boss and she said thats fine I could leave. I am so glad I am going to have so much support because I will need it. I did tell Dido about the other and she was pissed but she told me the same she would support me in what ever decision I make. I have a million thoughts going thru my head at one time.
I found out that JJ's brother from Cal is here. I am glad. He needs him. I am going to have to really take care of myself. My stomach is in knots right now and I tried to eat last nite and the food taste like cardboard.
They showed all the boys pics last nite on tv. I guess their pics are in the paper. I want to see what these boys look like. Its so wierd to think that boys did this.
I guess after the viewing JJ and jr's mom has to go back to sit down w/ the detective's again. Aparently the mom knows alot about what jr was doing and didnt tell anyone. jr was into bad bad bad stuff. Beyond my imagination. Just blows my mind.
The high school kids where jr went to last wants to have a memorial service for him at the high school. That will be so hard. JJ didnt know if after that I would want to still go to Cal. I said yes I still want to go. I really want to be there w/ him and be there for him. He needs all the support he can get right now. This is absolutely such a tragedy far beyond any I could ever imagine. It just breaks my heart. I will be glad when this week is over and we are back to kinda of move on.
I defiately do need to.
I truely am glad about counseling. I have 6 visits and I am going to use all 6. I need to work out alot right now. And who knows maybe I will cont to go for alittle while because of what other things will come up.
Well off to face the music. Work will be good for me right now. Normalcy right!

update

Just found out they just released the body so JJ is calling the mortuary right now so maybe jr's mom can see him. He wasnt sure if they could see him yet or not.
I did get a counseling session for tomorrow evening at 6:45. So thats a go.
I have talk to JJ off and on and he asks me how I am doing and I tell him that I am really having a hard time. He said and here I added to that. I said you did. I told him right now we need to concentrate on jr and we will talk later about it. I told him that in my heart I want to believe he made a really bad mistake and he agreed. He said I did. I know you are saying what ever and I totally understand this.
He feels horible. I wont see him today. Tomorrow after work for sure.
I told him I am really hurt and that we need to sit down and figure out what each of us want and what we want to do. I talk to Vally today in Denton and she was a big help. So in time we will. Vally said you know with all the guilt he is feeling over jr and what jr's mom must be feeling and what they are going thru right now, and then to have guilt over hurting me, she said how much more can one person handle. She told me to not mention it again even though I didnt bring it up, he did, but to just wait and defiately deal w/ this later. Just be there for each other right now and deal w/ jr. Elly also said the same thing, even though she is pissed right now at JJ and I said as my friend I do expect that from you. But they both said they will support me in what ever decision I make. Vally said L if you really think this is the man for you and you can live with this then you guys will work it out. Elly said maybe I should just let it play it self out. But at the same time think of me
1st. You better believe I will.
We should defiately be leaving for Cal this weekend for the memorial service. I am glad to have some closure on this part.
It was just released that each boy is being put up on a million dollar bond. Each boy is named and each boy is being tried as an adult. My mom reassured me that thats alot of money and she doubts if these boys will be released. These people would probably have to put their house up as collateral and could lose their house if these kids didnt show up. Time will tell. There has to be justice.

Counseling

I get 6 free sessions a year for counseling. I called and left my name and # so I can go in and see someone.
I did talk to JJ this am. We both asked each other how we were doing, and we both said the same thing. Terrible. I did tell him that we are not in a rational state of mind to deal with this other right now. I asked him again if what he said last nite was true that it was over w/ this girl and he said yes. I said right now we need to concentrate on what we need to do for jr. I told him I will go with him to Cal for the funeral. We will be by ourselves on the drive there and back and so that will give us alot of time to talk about everything.
I just know life right now just sucks big time. I talked to my friend in phoenix and in Fl and they are both in shock over what I just found out. I talk to my old friend T in Phoenix, guy friend, and we discussed what was going on in each other's life. He said out of everybody he thought I would be the one to have a happy ending. He thinks I am the most caring wonderful person he knows. He said I have made some bad mistakes in my life. He has been to prison when he was young. But he has totally turned his life around. He says people can change when they make a mistake. He hopes that this was a one time mistake and that we can work thru this. He knows what I went thru before w/ the ex and he knows how hard this is for me. I said I dont know. This is what is so hard about the whole thing. What we have had has been so incredible and for this to have happen is just a shock. So time will tell what will happen. Biker I love you and I know you are mad right now and as my friend you should be but please understand what I have to do right now to get thru everything. I need closure on jr. I will take care of me, that is my priority and 2nd is closure w/ jr. I need JJ right now and he needs me to get thru this aweful time.

More horrible news

I just learned last nite that JJ has been seeing a girl from work recently. I am devastated even more. I was in disbelieve that he did this especially after it was done to him and me. I cannot make any decisions about us right now w/ everything else going on. I am going to wait til after the funeral and then decide what I will do from there. I gave this man my heart and really thought he was the one. He has appologized and knows that what has happened has hurt me big time. It is up to me. He said he was not going to see her anymore. But he knows that even if we stay together that I would defiately have a problem w/ trust. The one thing I always had w/ him. He still wants to be w/ me. So I decided to take a step back from everything right now. I am not going to call him. If he needs me then I will talk to him. I will still go to California w/ him for the funeral though because I need that closure w/ Jr just as much. But then once we get back then I will evaluate what I want and if I can stay w/ this man and spend my future w/ him and his girls. I think his moving to Phoenix will be good. Getting out of here.
This whole thing is such a hugh nightmare. I am so glad I am off today because I could not face work. Today I am going to find out about my free counseling sessions.
All of what has happen is more devastating then going thru my divorce ever was. I am not going to just pop right out of this whole thing as quick. This will truely take time.
They did arrest the 3 boys who did this to jr. So that is a very good thing. Well I guess I will go get another cup of coffee.

Devastated

This will be probably be the most aweful and devastating blog I will ever write.
It is in the newspaper, okay here goes, jr was murdered. My fingers were just frozen on the keyboard after writing that word. We got the call yesterday morning and came back home. Needless to say we are all devastated over this. It doesnt feel real.
I cant talk about any details right now. Big, huge investigation going on.
I just had to do a short blog to help me right now. I am going to meet up w/ JJ in a few. Neither one of us need to be alone. Yesterday felt surreal, not real at all. Today its real and absolutely heart breaking in so many ways.

Kentucky bound!!!

This day has turned out great. Was alittle nerve wracking this am when I go up & going, unsure what was going to happen w/ JJ's job. So unpredicable. But he is now in town, will have time to go home, take a shower, pack and relax for a few. I know he is scared and I am going to be his rock thru this. Keep him calm. Have drugs to help w/ that. Oh yeah better living thru chemistry. lol.
Was able to get off my self, go pay a bill. Go get car washed, picked up shampoo and spray conditioner, and toothpaste.
I also did a small load of laundry. This is good I am not have to rush or run late. The reason for the nerve wracking is I drive 2 hours to Phoenix to catch a flight. Not out of Flagstaff. So even though we are not leaving til 11pm, we have to be out of here by 7p.
I am going to drive so he can relax and maybe nap.
I am getting so pschyed about this trip. We are going to have such a great time. I will finally get to wear the dress, the nice sophicated gorgeous black dress. I hope I can post it when I get back.
Well off to pack. I just keep crossing things off my list. Woohoo! I hope all have a great rest of the week. Bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2 more days!

In 2 more days I leave for Kentucky. I still in some ways cant believe I am going to Kentucky. Wierd. And whats funny is the only person I will know is JJ. No one else at the wedding. Friends are suggesting I just enjoy myself and say what ever you want w/ in reason. No body knows me. Kinda kool actually. I am a professional as Dido and I say, we know how to act appropriate for the situation what ever that shall be. lol.
I went and got a pedi done, for the 1st time I got a really pretty red w/ the white flowers on the toe w/ a sparkle in the middle. I love paying the extra $5.00 for that. My feet will look good in those heels I am wearing w/ the dress.
My plan and I hope it comes true, is, JJ has to be at the church at 1:30. Wedding at 5pm. I am going to hopefully be able to drop him off and go check in the hotel and get our room. Then I can primp, guest thats how you say it. So he will see me in the dress when I walk in the church. OMG, I am so excited about this whole thing. It will be a magical day for us.
I will start packing tomorrow. I got my itinerary and went to the luggage section. $15.00/1st bag $25.00/2nd bag. What a crock. We are paying all this money for seat and we cant put our luggage on the plan for free. Bullshit is what I think personally.
I realized I am going to be able to come home and take a short nap to hold me over til the plane ride. If no turbulance then I will sleep the whole time. They lower the lights so its very dim. Usually have a blanket and pillow.
But anyway we are for sure looking at going to a distillery for kentucky burboun and kentucky horse park. Those 2 sound very Kentuckiest to me. Go to their downtown and drive around some of the lakes. Going out to a bar the 1st night. He is inviting all his friends. This is going to be an awesome fun trip. The only part that could suck is the plane ride for JJ. He doesnt like to fly at all. Afraid. I have to stay the calm one for him.

Weeds

Rag Weeds that is, they are terrible on my allergies. I noticed with the rain we have been getting the last several days the ragweed is growing outside of my fence in back. So I took my trash can and started pulling and throw away. You might say why not mow but I feel like if I pull they wont come back as easily. I got 1/2 of it done. It got really hot and then boom the thunder. I pushed it a little further and it happened again. Picked up what I pulled and took the can to the front. What a rain storm that just came thru. Nice!!!I also went out and sweep my back patio of the dead stuff that is growing thru the rock and pavers off the patio. I truely am proud of myself for getting on this and working towards my goal of Sept being done w/ the yard. I realize I have to work on it everyday. A little at a time and I will get this done. Tomorrow or Tuesady I will take trash bags out there and stuff more weeds I am going to pull. I dont want them becoming out of control while I am gone. The ground is soft so the weeds are coming right up for the most part.

I was going to go to this concert last nite but felt tired and just down. I think everything from the last week just came to head and I just balled. I went to bed at 9:30 after crashing on the couch. I was exhausted from working in the yard. I didnt sleep well. I didnt get to have time w/ JJ. He wanted after his long week of almost 70 hours wanted to go out w/ his friend timmy. He is coming over to day. He just needed time w/ the guys. I totally understand. They drank some god aweful clear pure alcohol w/ fruits and god knows what else. He slept on this guys couch. Didnt drive. I guess the fight that they watched, the last guy who won shoulds have lost.

We are going to look at some stuff to go do when we go Ky. We are thinking a distillery and the horse farm. Both things that are a tourist thing to do. I am so looking forward to our time together and what fun we are going to have.

Working on stuff at the house also right now. Get ready to hopefully cook out later. Woohoo. I am on back up call today til the am. Keeping my fingers crossed that I dont get called in.

Yard Work

Already at it. I shoveled rocks from one side of the house to the other. I already have rock in 2 areas and I am going to add the rock to the area of yard that I want it in. I plan on tilling it all and get rid of the last 2 poles from the fence. I got a good workout on my arms and some sun too. I want my arms to look good w/ my dress. I am taking a brake from the rock duty to blog, and that back to the yard, cut all the leaves coming up and weeds at the base of my one and only tree in the back yard. I took pics of the yard so I will have a good before, during, and after the landscaping. It is very empowering to get my yard in order.
I got to spend time w/ JJ last nite when he got off from work. I cooked burgers, saugage, and vegies on the grill and took it to his house so it would be ready to eat when he got back. He brought home a bottle of bud w/ lime. I have to say for not being a budweiser fan it was good. I know its breaking man rule # such and such, no fruit in beer. lol. I just might have to have it again especially if he brings it home. I slept hard last nite. Had a very nice morning together enjoying relations. Talked and just had a lazy time together. I love looking up out the window from his bed and see the hugh big pine trees. They are old, no doubt. I love photographing a group of trees. Standing under them and look up to get some cool designs in the pic. Anyway We parted ways. He has stuff to do and so did I so hopefully we will meet back up together later.
I am thinking tomorrow I am going to town to get a new ipod. I am also going to find out how to send this one in to get refurbish and then sell it. Keep the newer one. I could get some money back that way. Hmmmmmmm. idea. I like having it when I fly. It makes the time go by. There are so many but I want the one I get to put my pics, videos, movie, audiobooks, and last but lease lots and lots of music. I have less gb and paid more then the 80gb. Decisons Decisions.
How many people go to Craig's list. I decided that is how I am going to sell my computer desk, dining room table, coffee table, and the tv stand/entertainment stand. Aparently alot of people buy off it so its worth a try.
Its getting cloudy out like it might storm and rain again. Yea!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are both excited about going on our trip this next week. There are resturants he wants to go to and friends also to see. He does want us to do some sightseeing things also. Horse Park for sure. I told him I am along for the ride. To go do and see whatever. I am ready for my mind to be transformed by the green grass. I cant wait to walk thru the grass barefooted. I miss having grass. Its amazing what green does for the brain. I notice that when I see something green besides pine trees it totally relaxes me. Hope all are enjoying their holiday weekend!

storms

Today has been the stormiest day yet in awhile. It has rained off and on, windy but not to bad, cool out. It has been a nice mellow day. Needed it.
I didnt tell you earlier I gained a lb this week and you know what, its okay. This has been a rough week w/ all that has happed and the monthly cycle. I am back on track today. I went out last nite and celebrated. I did a couple of shots of patron tequila. And a couple of beers. I thought what the hell.
I did get to see JJ for almost a minute. He stopped in the parking lot where I was and got to get a hug and a kiss in.
He is still not done w/ work yet. He is so exhausted. Depending on how he feels when he gets home will determine if I will go over there. What every he wants to do is fine w/ me. He is the one who has had the longest week of anyone. I think after today he will have almost 70 hours in. Poor guy. I just dont understand how they can do this. Crazy. I am glad he will have off tomorrow and Sunday. He needs a break.
And then our break this next week even though it will be run run. Oh well I think we will manage.
Well hope are having a wonderful day! And again Happy 4th of July!!!!

Happy 4th of July!

Wow its so crazy to think its here. I have always loved the 4th of July. So much fun. This year my 4th will be very quiet. JJ is working and as hard a week it has been, I am just plain exhausted. I need a day of down time. Dont think I will even see JJ til tomorrow. No plans are made as of right now. Leaving all options open.
I am going to cook out on the grill, some vegies, zucchini and red peppers. Yummy. I love them off the grill and a burger or saugage. Hang w/ the dogs. They will be happy to have me here.
So I hope everyone has a great 4th of July!

Hump Day

Today is the 1st day this week that I am not exhausted and so sad. I am glad to be away from work and be away from the sadness that is there right now. Its still wierd to think of what just happened was real. They gave out white ribbons yesterday to wear in memory of all that died in the crash and explosion.
I got a good night's sleep so I do feel so much more relaxed. I am looking forward to today to work on my yard and plant the tomatoe plant and flowers I bought for my patio. I also have a plant in my bathroom that I have never planted. Just put the whole thing in a pot and keep it watered. Its done well but now its time to plant in its pot.
2 more days is the 4th. I cant believe it. JJ is working and I just dont know what I am going to do. Either Friday or Sat I will go over to Jenny's and water her stuff for her. She is going to Huntington beach,Cal tomorrow for the weekend. JJ and I had talked about going to Cal and doing exactly that go to Huntington beach for the 4th. But then he got this job and he is working. He will be so exhausted and tired after this week that he isnt going to want to do much. Poor guy, he worked from 4am to 10pm last nite. He had to get back up at 3am to go back to Page to deliver more beer. If you dont know anything about page, its where Lake Powell is and its the hughest lake ever. Its in Az and Utah. Mostly Utah. It has many fingers off of it to go boating and camping and hiking. I have only been there once. It was a boat tour to go to the Rainbow Bridge, very sacred. You are not to ever to cross under it. But it is very cool to see. That place will be packed.
We will be very busy at the hospital this weekend due to tourism big time. They will bring people in from there due to boating accidents, grand canyon due to people falling and breaking things, and then around here due to injury. I talk mainly of the Operating Room. The ED will be packed w/ all kinds of stuff. Lots of drunk indians for sure being beligerent and having to hang out till they are sober. We dont have a drunk tank. So they are brought in my EMS because they are laying on the side of the road. It impacts all the other people who are truely needing to be there but have to hear and smell this. I hated for them.
But for me it will be a mellow weekend. There is a concert at the Amphi theatre on Sat night. Thinking about going to listen to live music. I might just go by myself. I am on back up call on Sunday. Might have to work.
A week from today I will be leaving for Kentucky. There has been an apparent change in room situation. We are staying at the resort and spa on Sat only. The other times will be other hotels. So what this telling me is that we will be chaning hotels 3 times, 3 different nights. That will be to me a pain in the ass. What I wonder is what time is the check in time for the place on Sat and is it between the times of the wedding and reception. Just crazy. Oh well go w/ the flow right.

Everyone still sad

The helicopters crashing is still hanging over everyone's head. Its so sad. They gave out white ribbons today. So I think most people at work are wearing them. There is just a sadness still in the air.
I am so tired. I just dont have much to say!