Ugly Ass Anxiety!

Well the ugly ass Anxiety reared its fucking head at me but I am proud of myself for knowing and handling it. I met up w/ JJ after I dropped my car off at the Discount Tire place. As it turned out I had 2 nails side by side and so because I am smart and buy the insurance, I only paid $36.00 for the labor and the insurance on this tire. Not bad. So now I am safe to drive to phoenix tomorrow. But anyway JJ picked me up and we went to our favorite place to watch basketball, drink beer, dinner, and trivia. Dido joined us and right before we met JJ's friend called again about meeting for a beer. My mood shut down. I called Chama when I got home and she reassured me that I am doing good. I told her I know where my anxiety comes from and its Terry from all the years of crap when he went out. I realize and I have said this already that JJ is not Terry and that its truely about guy time because JJ didnt call him, Tim called JJ about meeting for a beer. I didnt feel welcomed. I was really buzzy and this whole thing is about me and not JJ. I kept my tone to a minimun. How long will take to not have this fucking anxiety. I know I can talk to JJ on Sat when we are alone. He will totally understand. It just really upsets me that I feel like this and this feeling comes over me that I hate. Chama said it, she said Letera this huge. She said, I know where this comes from, You know where this comes from, and it comes from Terry. You could start a unnessary fight w/ your boyfriend and give him more then he deserves but you know this and understand this and you dont. This is good! I know it but man it still sucks big time. Its alot of years and I guess it will take longer then I thought. Its the only anxiety I have. I am so trying to move on and not go there. I guess after so many years of being traumatized and not knowing I was being traumatized that it will just take time and I will get stronger each time. I hope so because its not fair to JJ.
He is such a good awesome guy. He truely loves me.
He was talking about him being able to take a real vacation w/ me. Going somewhere nice. Well I feel better and am glad I didnt give JJ any crap because he didnt do anything to deserve that.

Anyway, I need to go put clothes in the dryer. I am going to pack for Phoenix for the weekend. Be ready to leave right after work to meet JJ down in phoenix. I am so excited about our weekend. Its all about relaxing and sun and fun. Need it big time! Well to all if I dont get to blog, Have an awesome Easter and what ever you do to celebrate.
Happy Easter!